Editor's note: After a not-so-careful review by Legal Counsel, a few edits have been made to this post. Namely, instead of stating that this actually occurred, it's going to be the re-telling of a recent dream by Sir Tuttafucco. Additionally, to eliminate the potential for legal recourse, the name of the company has been changed to disguise it's true identity.
So, in a recent dream I had, I’m hanging out at what is commonly referred to as my place of employment. The phone rings. Though I’m “responsible” for answering it, I often hesitate to, as 90% of the calls fall into one of two categories:
1. An entity or organization cold calling in an effort to sell some product or service that we don't need or can't afford
2. An entity or organization that is owed some cheddar and is calling in an effort to collect
I quickly throw my headset on and answer the tele. The gentleman, who I will refer to as Victor, announces that he’s from Werizon and requests to speak with my Accounts Payable Department. Patterns of previous dreams declare this a dead giveaway when someone is calling about some owed cream (Cash does Rule Everything Around Me!!). I advise Victor that we don’t have such a Department and that he can simply speak with me.
Victor reiterates that he’s from Werizon and that our bill is over 60 Days delinquent. I inquire how much is owed because it just so happens that I personally paid a Werizon bill weeks ago (when our phone service was shut-off for non-payment). He then goes into his “database” and says that we owe over 900 clams. I explain that we paid that bill weeks ago and his system has not been updated yet for some reason. He claims to look into some other “screens” but does not see any evidence of our recent payment.
Me: Can you see our last payment?
Victor: The last payment I see was in January for $29.
Me: I made another payment of over $1,000 a few weeks ago
Victor: Is it possible that your company has more than one account?
Me: It’s possible, I guess. But we only have one phone number so I’m pretty sure we only get one bill from Werizon.
Victor: Would you like me to give you your account number?
Me: No, but feel free to give it to me if you like. I’m not sure what you want me to do with it.
Victor: Well you can call Customer Service…
Me: ...I’m not going to call Customer Service about a bill that was already paid. You have called me so the fact that our phone line is on despite the overdue balance you see on your “screen” is proof positive in my book that we are current with our bill.
Victor’s voice starts cutting in and out. At one point, I think the call has been disconnected because I can only hear the Sounds of Silence (which happens to be one of my all-time favorite tunes). He assures me that he’s still there. I advise him that I do not need to take any action because I know the bill in question has been paid. He then lets it slip that he’s with a collection agency. That’s when the real fun begins…
Me: So that explains it!! Werizon hasn’t advised you guys that this bill is no longer outstanding. I hope you don’t think I’m going to pay you for a bill that has already been paid to Werizon.
Victor: Well because of what shows in our system, we don't know that it has been paid and you are likely to continue getting automated calls from us about this bill.
Me: OK. That’s not cool but honestly, I have no problems hanging up on an automated system. I’m sure it won’t take it personally. What’s the name of your company?
Victor: Werizon
Me: I’m sorry. I thought you had said that you’re calling from a collection agency. Are you with Werizon or not? Cuz last time I checked Werizon is not a collection agency.
Victor: Our Department calls on behalf of Werizon about overdue bills.
Me: Victor, that a pretty intriguing response but unfortunately doesn't answer my question. Since you can't see our actual payment history, I'm going to have to assume you're not actually with Werizon. What’s the name of your company? As in the one you work for. You mentioned that you’re with a collection agency. Said agency must have a name.
(There’s a pause…I can hear Victor fumbling around, seemingly uncertain of the appropriate response)
Victor: Collection Co.
Me: Collection Co? Great. I was simply looking to confirm which company you’re with in case I get calls in the future about this bill, I’ll be able to know if they’re from the same company as you. Clearly, Werizon’s priority is in getting their money and not keeping their collection agencies well informed. (I repeat Collection Co slowwwwwllllyyyyyy...as I’m writing it down.)
Victor: Actually…it’s… GC Services…I had forgotten that.
Me: GC Services. Are you sure? Cuz I wouldn’t forget whose name appears on my checks but that’s just me.
Victor: Yes. GC Services!!
Me: OK. Is there anything else I can't help you with today? No? Then Buh-Bye!!
I somehow manage to contain my laughter until I’ve actually hung up the phone. I share some chuckles (not the candy) with those within earshot who only had the benefit of hearing one side of the conversation. I've only had one other dream in my life, when I’ve had the gumption to talk with a collection agency rep like I was the one signing his paycheques. But in the case of this dream, knowing that the debt had already been paid certainly made it easier.
I wake up to the sound of SportsCenter. When I look at the ticker on the bottom of the screen, it reads: Score Update...... Good Guys: 2...... Bad Guys: 2,245,983
I take solace in knowing that at least we're gaining on them!!!
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